we learn from the empty spaces. the nothingness teaches us the most. just like the never cared for girl grows to be the mother fullest of love. we don’t see the lonely blank page as what it is, we see it as what we yearn for it to be. and we make it happen. and nothing turns into everything.

so… don’t you worry. 

suffered a silent loss.

i didn’t tell a soul.

the sun still rose.

and the earth will never know. 

but i know. 

and i bury with no funeral. 

with shameful guilt and sorrow. 

i can create when i am infatuated and when i am heartbroken.but i have nothing in between.

i am nothing in between. i walk around smart but silent like a shy scholar waiting for the blow from high or low to beat the guts out of me. and my insides splatter onto the floor and people walk around to avoid them. or they stop and get consumed in their horrible beauty. and i act like i had intentions of sharing when i had no intent at all. then i bathe and i continue on. from nothing to something to disaster once again. i am a mess of art. but art is a cover for accepting the product of craziness. my aunts and uncles are labeled criminals and schizophrenics… and i am labeled an artist. but there are various different labels hanging by scotch tape on my back. none of them haunt me, really. as i am just looking to fall in and out of love so i can be not crazy. 

and wasn’t the love you had for that greater then any love you ever had for me?

i loved you because you paid attention to me. that’s all you had to do. because i have the worth of dust. in my mind, i am as small as i am big. tiny but packed with the weight of a million wrongs. and all my flaws rise to the surface and they stand on my skin. and i feel disgusting as they cover me. and you look at me and throw me a line. and i believe it. i grab hold of that mother fucker and i let it reel me in. all because i don’t feel worthy of being caught. so if someone offers a rope, i tie it around my neck. i tie knots around all the broken parts of my body. since my body is all heart. and i go without fight. and i just hang there. just hanging around. waiting for you to get bored enough to notice me once again so that i can believe you once again so that i can feel okay for one or two days. before i fall back to the ground. 

i started dancing in my garage at the age of 11. 

i’ve only danced on stage once by myself.

i choreographed my first group dance at the age of 16. 

i took dance lessons for three years. 

i’ve always liked the way guys choreograph more than girls. 

when i found out i was pregnant with my first child, i had never held a baby before in my life. 

i’ve always kept a journal since i was very young. 

before i learned what dance was, i wrote all the time.

i had my first kiss in seventh grade. 

i didn’t drive until a year after i was legally allowed. 

i’ve never pierced anything on my body. 

i have no tattoos. 

my dad was an abusive drug addict. 

i am frightened to death of dogs.

i fall in love easily. 

my self knowledge is my greatest weapon but i rarely use it. 

i sleep with the tv on but i don’t watch it.

i like my own coffee more than starbucks.

older men don’t find me attractive. 

i’m scared to shave the backs of my knees. 

i hated college. 

i hated high school.

i hated jr high.

i hated first grade. 

i’m half japanese, half something else. 

i think adult cartoons are awful. 

i genuinely love the company of my children. 

i like to smoke. but i don’t. but i know i like it because i’ve done it before. i’ve sat outside on a dark and quiet night and i’ve stared up at the sky and smoked. but i only allow myself nights like that a few times a year. because i know how horrible smoking is. it could kill me. and if i allowed myself to smoke more, i’d never stop. 

i like to love you. but i don’t. but i know i like it because i’ve done it before. I’ve sat outside on a dark and quiet night and i’ve stared up at the sky and loved you. but i only allow myself nights like that a few times a year. because i know how horrible loving you is. it could kill me. and if i allowed myself to love you more, i’d never stop. 

mattluckis:

everything feels so right

mattluckis:

i love beef jerky